ranting and chanting and carrying on

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Me being a scallwag at Fort Gorgast, image by Kattee Proberto

WAHHHHH. Lovelies of my life, people of the parallel blogging universe … I’M IZZABELLANECESSARY and I’ve got a lot in my head on this fine evening! I don’t usually spout off like this (not on here anyway), but I somehow feel like now’s as good a time as any. Tonight it just feels necessary to write about what I’ve been up to, how I’m feeling and all that jazz…. Like I say in one of my poems, ‘because I am you, you are me, and the whole world might seem full of fools – but sod it, at least we’re in it together’. So yeah, WHY THE FUCK NOT EH. I CAN DO WHAT I WANT TO DO (as long as I’m not giving anybody any grief, which I hope this post won’t…) For more on that, check this little gem of a short documentary out.

Somehow right now it suddenly feels quite a bit less necessary to keep up any vaguely professional – strictly arty stuff, ya – type of bullshit on this little blog o’ mine. Perhaps this willalso help to save my facebook page from total overload due to a ridiculous amount of links, rants and debatably (un)necessary expressions of emotion. I dislike all that shit as much as the next Northerner, but when I get really excited I just can’t help myself. Suddenly I morph into the same skin as every other epic-facebook-status-posting-freak.

WELL. WHERE TO BEGIN? July brought about the end of four hard years of love, dancing, and let’s be honest, a whole world of struggle and learning for me. Shortly after my 29th birthday, I found myself in the bizarre situation of graduating with a degree in Contemporary Dance. If someone had told me that a few years back, I would have cracked up laughing. And somehow, even though I’ve been fully investing myself into ‘this dancing thing’ with every inch of the soft animal of my body, I came round after those years of graft feeling like I’d been underwater. All else on hold, breath held – metaphorically of course, and maybe even a bit seasick. Whilst it was beautiful down there, I’d had enough of the shoal and was feeling fairly knackered from all that building of the boat. I wanted to bloody sail it. Mermaids and moving like seaweed is great but I needed more variety, a bit of adventure, something to feed my tired soul. It wasn’t the dancing that was the problem, it was something else. I needed some time…

For my thoughts on time, skip back to this post I wrote about The Last Knit. It’s pretty relevant. Yet this time I needed something slightly different. I needed time to just damn well enjoy myself. Stillness was on it’s way out. Stucture was coming apart at the seams. What I wanted was time to laugh like a lunatic, get silly, and to enjoy all the amazing people and places that a bit of freedom from the institution (of work, school, your own restricted head, whatever) can bring. I needed to spend time with those souls who inevitably become neglected when we are focused on something massive and all-encompassing, like a contemporary dance degree (you may well laugh, but truly, it’s not for the faint-hearted!) I needed time to focus on those other aspects of myself that also inevitably become neglected, for the same reason described above.

I knew that in September I’d be starting another year of intense training and touring as part of Transitions Dance Company, at Laban in London and roundabouts. I knew that I would combust if I didn’t cut loose. I am me, and I accept me for me. I do things my way, and my way likes lots of different stuff. Variety feeds me and I have a total aversion to anything remotely cultish. I think this is something I inherited from my Mum, who regularly recounts how she wouldn’t even go to watch E.T because she distrusted the way people were ranting and raving about it. The point is, too much of only one thing eventually spins me out, no matter how great it is. I would like to say at this point, that my commitment is not in question here – I am absolutely over the moon with my dancing life. The question I started to ask was, how do I balance this thing with other, equally valid aspects of my life? How do I do that, eh?

Life was telling me to take some time out and enjoy. So I did. This summer I did something uncharacteristic, and didn’t feel guilty about just kicking back and taking in all the good things that were coming at me. I didn’t question it, or feel it necessary to justify my actions to that thing on my shoulder that worries about shit (like only doing one dance class a morning for five consecutive days all summer! Naughty dancer!) Instead, as you might be aware, I developed a new word to guide the rest of my 2014, and that word is DISCOVERY – see my explanation here.

I started to realise that I’ve been a little bit timid my whole life. I’m 29 and only now am I getting closer to what it means to be my own woman, and to let continuity go in favour of innovation and discovery. OUCH! But of course, it’s all good… no worries 🙂 I’m sure I shall be learning that very same lesson again, in another way, in future years. Always learning Isabel, always learning…

So basically, I would just like to take this opportunity to show my gratitude. THANKS UNIVERSE AND FRIENDS!! Cheers for all the flocking, freewheeling, festivalling, sofa-lending/tent-sharing, magic-making and poetic-adventuring. Dziekuje poland! Danke berlin! Cheers for all the lovelyamazingbeautiful friend-folk (new and old) who made it all happen. It’s september and I still smell of soil, which is bloody great 🙂

This summer I got teary eyes TWICE out of pure happiness, which is mental really. Either i’m very happy, or I sent myself halfwaytotheedgeofmadness with pure exhaustion and enjoyment. It was probably a bit of both. Maybe september will save me, or perhaps I’ve just found a way to let myself enjoy life more.

From the people I met only once but you made me smile or taught me something ace, to my oldest most treasured soul sisters and anyone else I met along the road of summer 2014… Your love, laughter and lunacy has left me feeling amazing and ready to get back to dancing/ prancing aboot in a more structured fashion. I’m sorry only to my body. We’re a wee bit unfit, but with a little help from some mind over matter I have every faith that we shall prevail.

It seems I am talking to myself now. Perhaps I really have lost it. xxx

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